July 26, 2010
Can I talk to you for five minutes about grown-ups? I feel justified in addressing this subject for several reasons. For one, I have recently become a quarter-centurion and am considered by some of the more spiteful members of society to be one of those very people of whom I intend to speak. For another thing, I have spent the better part of the past two years working with, for, around, and (**insert other preposition except aboard, between, and betwixt**) grown-ups. In my capacity as pseudo-adult and entry level employee I have meticulously observed the ways of the grown-ups as if I was Jane Goodall and they were the Oakland Raiders. This essay is a preliminary report of my findings.
(An article of clarification: By “grown-up” I mean any and all human persons over the age of thirty-five. I also mean any person between the age of twenty-three and thirty-five whose life includes any two of the following: a spouse, a child, a mortgage, a 401k, a crock pot, a graduate degree, a pet cat, a mattress valued at over $700, frequent flyer miles.)
Most people entering the grown-up world have a skewed impression of what they will find there. This is because, for the first two decades of our lives, our interactions with adults are always on their terms. They teach our classes, coach our teams, preach our sermons, and sire our siblings. They dress better than we do, cry less than we do, and use words like “dilapidated.” In this way, they are able to convince younger generations that they are mature, responsible citizens who have figured stuff out and generally have their lives in order.
Well, after two years of eavesdropping on secretary gossip hour (aka “lunch”) and being cc’d on catty email exchanges, I can report that grown-ups categorically and unequivocally do not have their stuff [sic] together. Look past their business casual attire and improved vocabularies and you will find most working adults to be as petty and insecure as your average fraternity pledge. It’s shocking and more than a little disappointing. I was told the drama and backstabbing would end after cheerleading camp. Apparently not. Turns out the “grown up” in grown-up is almost as big a misnomer as the “Dr” in Dr. Phil. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in Powerful People | Tagged adult humor, satire, corporate humor, workplace humor, grown-ups, Dr Phil, Jane Goodall, Oakland Raiders | Leave a Comment »
July 13, 2010
If you’ve visited my Facebook page in the past four days or if you happen to share a last name with me, you are probably aware of a recent milestone in my life. Last Thursday marked the 25th anniversary of my arrival on the earth. Crazy right? Here you were thinking July 8th was significant only as the date of The Olive Branch Petition and as the birthday of Toby Keith. Well, surprise! It’s also the day I receive 75% of my annual Facebook wall posts.
Since 25 is widely regarded as the age by which college graduates are expected to have their acts together some of you are probably wondering how I’m holding up. The short answer is: better than expected. The long answer is: Katy Perry and Scarlett Johansson are both 25 and if it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for me.
In fact, 72 hours into my twenty-fifth year, I am pleased to report that it is not half the joyless post-post-adolescent moonscape I anticipated. Not yet anyway. Though I am now expected to be able to do adult things like apply for a car loan, write an RSVP, and hold my liquor, I am also three years younger than the average eHarmony user and that – I suppose – is something.
I do, however, have one complaint I’d like to bring against 25. It is this: turning 25 is the first “milestone birthday” that is not accompanied by an increase in freedom or the introduction of new vices into my life. I mean, technically I guess I am allowed to do some things today that I could not do last week. I can rent a car. I can run for congress. I can…nope, that’s pretty much it. And that’s my point. Who gives a crap about that stuff? Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in Me | Tagged 25th birthday, adult humor, mid-twenties, milestone birthdays, quarter life crisis, turning 25, twentysomethings | 1 Comment »
July 7, 2010
Those of you who have ever been around me for more than five consecutive minutes have in all likelihood been witness to one of my frequent rants about my phone. In fact, I have previously written articles on this very site on the subject of my phone with specific regard to how much it sucks. While it is not my intention to beat a dead whore (that’s the expression, right?), I’m afraid there is more to be said on this point.
Remember those commercials Cingular released a couple years ago about how they never drop calls? I’m sure you saw them. Two guys would be talking and one of them would make a joke and the camera would show the other guy laughing but the jokester would hear nothing but silence because the line was dead. He would be filled with paranoia and trepidation and, thinking his joke had been received poorly, would begin profusely apologizing.
Funny stuff. We all had a good laugh and everyone went out and bought Cingular service. In one of those ironic twists of fate that make the mobile phone industry so endearing, Cingular has since become AT&T and AT&T – as we all know – drops calls like there’s no tomorrow. Hilarious, right?
As an iPhone user and frequent creator of potentially offensive humor, my life has become one of those old Cingular commercials. It’s not nearly as funny as it looks on TV.
Not a day goes by without me partaking in some version of the following conversation.
Good Friend Who’s Getting Married: What day are you flying out for the wedding?
Me: Oh I dunno, probably Tuesday evening.
Good Friend Who’s Getting Married: Nice. We’ll get some time to hang out.
Me: Nah, I’m coming out early to hang out with [his fiancé] Emily. I want to make one last pass at her before the wedding.
(silence)
Me: Ummm… HAAAA! Just kidding bro. You know I wouldn’t do that. You my boy. She’s your girl. I’m not about to mess with that. I’m not that guy. (continued silence) Plus, you’re like twice the man I am. She’d never go for me anyway. I mean look at you! Shoot, maybe I’ll make a pass at you instead of her. HahaHA! (terrible, terrible silence) Hello? Bro? Bro….? Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in Normal People | Tagged adult humor, iPhones, iPhone, dropped calls, Apple, Cingular | Leave a Comment »
July 5, 2010
I am posting to let you know that I will not be posting today. I have been given the day off of work to reflect on how superior America is to the rest of the world in every possible way except soccer. You should be doing the same thing. Which means you should not be visiting my site today or, for that matter, doing anything besides listening to Springsteen, eating ice cream sandwiches, and blowing stuff up.
Happy 4th.
I’ll see you later this week.
Posted in Powerful People | Tagged 4th of july, fireworks, patriotism, springsteen | Leave a Comment »
June 30, 2010
It’s happened. After living in Arnold’s Playground for over a year, I have finally become a full-fledged Californian.
What, you will ask, precipitated this momentous occasion? Did I eat a Dodger-dog? Did I vote in a local election? No, no, no, nothing that gay. Speaking of which, no, I did not recently have an amorous encounter with another man, although that would have done the trick as well.
I have been accepted as a local and am now afforded the same rights and privileges as the any other resident thanks to two recent events.
1) I experienced and – incidentally – survived my first earthquake. (No, nothing broke. Yes, it was awesome.)
2) I paid over $75.00 for a pair of sunglasses. (Bonus points for putting them on a credit card that was already approaching its limit.)
And all of this without yet owning a California driver’s license. What a place!
Posted in Me | Tagged california, California culture, earthquake, statehood, sunglasses | Leave a Comment »
June 27, 2010
Can I talk to you for five minutes about interior decorating? Of all the facets of domestic living with which I am unskilled – ironing, recycling, using throw pillows, grating cheese to name a few – decorating has to be the one deficiency that is most concerning. Most of the time, I’m quite comfortable with my ignorance of all things home ec. The fact that I have no idea what people use Pine Sol for doesn’t keep me up at nights. Similarly, I could go my whole life without ever using a Swiffer product and be just fine with it. As long as there are women in my life who are versed in the use of these mysterious contraptions and chemicals, I am content in my unfamiliarity.
The interior design thing, however, has to improve, and soon. My complete and comprehensive inability to decorate a living space in an aesthetically pleasing way (and without the help of movie posters) has moved past depressing and is beginning to do serious damage to my life. Let me show you what I mean.
Example 1: On the rare occasion that someone who is not me and not the cable repair guy enters my apartment, the first thing out of their mouth is usually, “Oh, are you just moving in?” The reason for this inquiry is that, apart from some scattered furnishings, my apartment looks exactly as it did on the day it was born. Every inch of every wall is a naked, pristine shade of white. I live in a snow-colored world of wall and carpet unbroken by framed photographs, decorative rugs, or stained glass anything. When I tell them I have been living here for over six months, I am met with looks ranging from sadness to concern to concerned sadness.
Example 2: When my friend Stephen visited my apartment for the first time, he became visibly depressed after seeing my bedroom for the first time. Though I thought his reaction a bit extreme, he did have a point. The muted light from the ceiling fan’s single bulb has an undeniably gloomy effect when reflected off the room’s bare, colorless walls. Stephen dubbed it “the suicide room” and has not been back to my apartment since. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in Me | Tagged adult humor, apartment life, home economics, interior decorating, life after college | Leave a Comment »
June 22, 2010
Can I talk with you for a few minutes about weddings? As I mentioned earlier, the reason for my recent radio silence was the decision made by two couples I know to start calling each other by the same last name and the decision made by me to travel to Minnesota and the other side of LA to watch them do it. Much as I’d like to write about BP’s slip-n-slide in the Gulf or how much it pains me to see good things happen to The Lakers, I can’t do it. I’ve got matrimony on my mind. There’s no sense trying to talk about anything else.
My thesis tonight is a simple one: I love weddings. I love them with a love I typically reserve for burritos, funny accents, and hot tubs in wintertime. When done properly – as the one’s I attended this month most definitely were – they are some of the most fun a guy can have with his pants on. Which is not to say you necessarily have to keep your pants on at weddings. Simply that it’s still possible to have a great time if you do.
I think one reason that I love wedding weekends so much is that they are formatted the way I like to format my life: busy, festive, loud, filled with friends, dotted with milestones and big decisions, featuring sporadic contemplation of the serious and the sacred and parties that rage late into the night. What’s not to love?
The “filled with friends” part is definitely key. Weddings are basically birthday parties for grownups. Think about it: It’s a big day in one of your friends’ lives. All your other friends show up. Everyone’s hoped up on cake and “party favors.” You’re all hanging out in an empty church or a big tent or a backyard with a swimming pool. And everyone’s running around making as much noise as possible while the parents watch in exhausted amusement, wondering if anyone’s going to get any sleep tonight. Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in Normal People | Tagged bachelor parties, don't stop believing, honeymoons, wedding crashers, wedding humor, wedding jokes, wedding season, weddings | 2 Comments »
June 20, 2010
My sincere apologies for the deficit of articles of late. The past two weeks have featured two extravagantly enjoyable weddings with the requisite days of carousing and recovering bookending each and I have had little time for quiet reflection. I hope to get back to my normal life of writing, using my inside voice, and going to bed before 10:00 pm very soon.
In the meantime, happy Father’s Day. And lots of love to the newly minted couples: Brendan and Ellen Wilkerson and Seth and Ali Marcus. You guys know how to throw a party.
Posted in Me | Tagged weddings and whatnot | Leave a Comment »
June 7, 2010
Can I talk to you for five minutes about aspiring actors, indie rockers, and backup dancers? You may have heard that there are one or two of these people living in the greater Los Angeles area. Some of you may even know one of them personally. Those of you who have been to LA and who share my love of standing in line, $25.00 cover charges, and oppressively loud Ke$ha/Jay-Z mashups, may have even had the pleasure of speaking with one of them.
Upon entering into conversation with a future George Clooney, Julia Roberts, or – more probably – Heidi Montag, you are immediately struck by two unifying characteristics. 1) These people don’t talk in sentences; they talk in paragraphs – sometimes entire pages. And 2) every one of them is doing really, REALLY, astoundingly well.
For those of you prudent enough to keep several hundred miles between you and the nearest Lakers fan, here’s a picture of what you’re missing.
INT. NIGHT CLUB – NIGHT
The club has a vaguely classy name like Avalon, Vanguard, or Daddy’s and was recently seen in an episode of Cheaters. ME and ACTOR/MODEL/DANCER are standing near the bar holding a beer and a raspberry something, respectively. All dialogue is screamed as loudly as possible.
ME: So you’re an actor/model/dancer, huh? That’s sweet. How are things going with that?
ACTOR/MODEL/DANCER: Sooooo good! I auditioned for this pilot last week with Matthew Lillard – he’s the guy from Scream and Scooby-Doo –and I think it has a great shot at getting picked up. Matthew’s style translates really well to sitcoms. Plus, it’s being produced by the guy who directed Lady Gaga’s last music video, and, even if I don’t get the part, he’s going to be a great connection because he knows everyone! He even said he might want to use me in a documentary he’s doing about people from Nebraska, which I would be perfect for since I’m a person from Nebraska. So that’s cool, I guess. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I totally love this guy’s vision but documentaries and sitcoms aren’t really what I came out here to do. I’m just trying to get a few projects under my belt so I can move on to features. That’s really the only platform where I can express myself as an artist and do the kind of acting I want to do. Which is great cause I just signed with this new agency called CRPMNGR and they only work with clients who show immediate potential for features. My new agent has worked with Hayden Panettiere, Hillary Duff’s little brother, and, like, six people on Gossip Girl, so he knows what it takes to get up-and-coming actors to the next level. I mean, I’ve been with him for a week and he’s already gotten me an audition for the next movie the guy who directed Fast & Furious is doing; not to mention a lunch meeting with a casting assistant over at Fox Searchlight and a callback for a GEICO commercial.
ME: Soooooo…good? I guess?
END SCENE
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in Famous People | Tagged aspiring actors, Hillary Duff, Hollywood, Hollywood clubs, Hollywood humor, Los Angeles, making it in the movies, Matthew Lillard, talking to actors | 2 Comments »
June 2, 2010
The mnemonic up on McSweeney’s today is, in my humble opinion, one of my better ones in recent memory:
Clinton and Monica did… stuff. Conservative Americans got angry. Britney became a sex symbol/pretend virgin. Creed concerts almost rocked. Justin Bieber was born.
-A partial overview of the late 1990s and a mnemonic for the 23 flavors of Dr. Pepper (cherry, almond, molasses, dandelion, sarsaparilla, coriander, amaretto, ginger, allspice, birch beer, anise, sassafras, spikenard, plum, vanilla, clove, caramel, apricot, raspberry, juniper, burdock, wintergreen, blackberry).
Click here to see the rest of them.
Posted in Me | Tagged 23 flavors of Dr Pepper, Clinton Lewinsky Scandal, humor, Justin Bieber, Late 90s, mcsweeneys, mnemonics | Leave a Comment »
